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George W. Bush Jokes


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"Did you hear about this? According to a recent poll, three out of five Americans believe George W. Bush should be impeached.  And when he heard that, the president said, 'Cool, I love peaches.'"
 — David Letterman

"Everybody's excited about March Madness, the big NCAA tournament?  Here's how it works: It starts at 65, then 64, then 32, then 16.  It's just like Bush's approval rating."
  — David Letterman

"President Bush is now being accused of leaking classified information.  I was stunned.  I was shocked.  I said to myself, 'Wait, they let this guy see classified information?'" 
  — David Letterman

"President Bush's tax returns are a little different. He claimed the Christian Right as dependents, he declared the 2000 election as a gift, and he tried to write off all the mileage he got from 9/11"
 
 — Bill Maher

"You know how the pope is chosen? The cardinals all vote and then the ballots are burned. You know -- the same thing we did in Florida back in 2000."
 
 — Jay Leno

"The big hang-up was George Bush wanted to get life lines, you know, so he could call somebody."
 —  John Kerry, on the debate negotiations

"It's gotten so bad that even Alex Keaton would have shifted parties and voted for me this year."
—  John Kerry, at a campaign appearance with Michael J. Fox

"President Bush's campaign is now attacking John Kerry for throwing away some of his medals to protest the Vietnam War.  Bush did not have any medals to throw away, but in his defense he did have all his service records thrown out."
 —Jay Leno 

"President Bush is going to establish elections there in Iraq. He's going to rebuild the infrastructure. He's going to create jobs. He said if it works there, he'll try it here."
 —David Letterman

"In a shocking new book by Kitty Kelley, acquaintances of President Bush say that when he was in the National Guard that he liked to sneak out back for a joint or go in the bathroom and do cocaine. Isn't that unbelievable? They actually found people who saw Bush in the National Guard."
 --Jay Leno

"Have you noticed how the Republicans and Democrats try to copy each other at their conventions?  Like at the Democratic convention, John Kerry's daughter told a story about how he once gave CPR to her hamster.  At the Republican convention, the Bush girls are going to tell a story about how when their hamster was bad, their dad built them a little electric chair."
 —Jay Leno

"President Bush said he was 'troubled' by gay people getting married in San Francisco. He said on important issues like this the people should make the decision, not judges. Unless of course we're choosing a president, then he prefers judges."
 —Jay Leno

"IIn a new poll 54 percent believed President Bush exaggerated the size of Iraq's missile threat.  Hey, he's a guy."
 —Craig Kilborn

"President Bush flew over Iraq in Air Force One, saw the devastation and said 'Don't worry about this, we'll get whoever did this.'"
 —Craig Kilborn

"The Bush Administration said there will be a delay in restoring a newly elected democratic government in Iraq. However, they said the delay will not be as long as the one we have had in this country."
 —Jay Leno

"In Louisiana, President Bush met with over 15,000 National Guard troops. Here's the weird part, nobody remembers seeing him there."
 —Craig Kilborn 

"Bush advisers have long been worried that a lagging economy could hamper the president's re-election chances. They hope that the Cabinet shake-up will provide a needed jolt. If that doesn't work, North Korea has to go."
 —Jon Stewart

"There's this huge controversy over the fact that President Bush apparently received credit for National Guard service in Alabama in '72 and '73 even though his commanding officers are saying he never reported.  I think what's even more disturbing is that he received enough credits to graduate from Yale."
 —Jay Leno

"The White House released President Bush's military records from the National Guard, which include a rare photo of Bush in an F-102 flown by his chauffeur."
 —Craig Kilborn

"President Bush is not fazed by other candidates' war records. He said, I may have not fought in Vietnam, but I created one."
 —Craig Kilborn

(Bush:) "I'm a war president."
(Jon Stewart:) "He added: 'I guess I should have told you that back in 2000.'"

"On 'Meet the Press' yesterday President Bush was asked what he would do if he lost the election and Bush said, 'Phhh, you mean like last time?'"
 —Jay Leno

"Bush the younger has two things going for him that his father never had. One: an easy charm with regular people and two: the power to make them disappear without a trial."
 —Bill Maher

 "Jenna and Barbara Bush celebrated their 21st birthday last week with a party at the Cheers Shot bar in Austin. Following Bush tradition, the drinking started at 5 p.m. and will end in 19 years."
 —Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he is going to ask President Bush for help with the budget. What better way to deal with a $38 billion deficit than get advice from a guy that created a $450 billion deficit."
 —Jay Leno

Ex-Governor Bush Called Former President Clinton one afternoon.
"Hello, Bill? It's Dubya. Say, I've been meanin' ta ask ya sumthin'. How did you do so well with the ladies when you were president?"
"I'll tell ya, George. The trick is to dazzle them with charm and intelligent conversation."
"Yeah, but what can I do?" asked Bush.
Clinton paused. "Well, George, if all else fails, try puttin' a potato down your pants. That works every time."
The next week, Bush called Clinton again.
"Bill? Dubya. Laura was in Crawford over the weekend and I got to go stag to the embassy ball. I tried the potato trick, but all the ladies kept their distance."
"I know, I saw the ball on C-SPAN," laughed Clinton. "Next time, try puttin' the potato down the front of your pants."

"You never see Bush in the Oval Office. He's always playing golf, or he's riding a horse in Texas, or he's playing tennis. You know, I can't tell if he's president or filming a feminine hygiene commercial."
 —Jay Leno

"President Bush said today he would like America to establish a permanent base on the moon. This is all part of his plan to get Americans used to an environment where the air is un-breathable and there are no trees."
 —Jay Leno

"Gas prices are falling. Experts say this could delay the next war in the Middle East until the fall."
 —Jay Leno

"Earlier this week thousands of angry Iraqis marched in the streets, demanding that the new Iraqi government be selected by a majority vote by the citizens. Oh shut up! We don't even do that in this country."
 —Jay Leno

"Part of the plan to rebuild Iraq is to create an Iraqi stock market. Haven't these people suffered enough?" 
—Craig Kilborn

"Dick Cheney agreed to be President Bush's running mate once again in 2004. He made the announcement while riding in Ambulance One. In fact, he's got a new campaign slogan: No chest pain, no gain. ... He said he wanted four more years but his doctor is only giving him two."
—Jay Leno

The government of Haiti has officially sanctioned voodoo as a religion. Meanwhile, here at home, the administration has sanctioned voodoo as an economic plan."
—Jay Leno

Bush cancelled the Easter Egg hunt on the lawn of the White House. His people were afraid that, like Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein, the Easter Eggs would turn out to be something else that Bush can't find."
—Bill Maher

"The Democrats had their first presidential debate over the weekend. Nine guys showed up for the big debate. What a dreary group. Did you see these guys? President Bush took one look at them and said, 'I might win this one fair-and-square.'"
 —David Letterman


"The Pentagon said this week the war in Iraq cost $20 billion so far. The breakdown is: operations, $10 billion; personnel, $6 billion; getting Bush re-elected — priceless."
 —Bill Maher

Now President Bush is saying Syria has weapons of mass destruction. Gee, I wonder where he is headed with this."
 —David Letterman

"Now that the war with Iraq is over a lot of people want President Bush to focus on the economy. You know who really wants President Bush to focus on the economy? Syria."
 —Jay Leno

"A lot of people are really afraid that we're going to go to war with Syria. Syria is not Iraq. It is less dangerous, less of an enemy, has less of an army and less oil."
 —Jay Leno

"The press keeps asking President Bush when will this war end? I think the war will end officially the day after the 2004 elections. If President Bush learned anything from his father it was don't end a war too soon."
 —Jay Leno

"For the first time the people of Iraq are united. Today on CNN I saw a Kurd, a Shiite and a member of the Republican Guard coming together to cart off a big screen TV."
 —Jay Leno

"American forces in Iraq found $650 million in American cash sealed in a hidden cottage. See, this is why President Bush wants to invade Iraq, the whole place is oil and cash. It's like Republican Disneyland."
 —Jay Leno

"The electricity is back on in Baghdad. That is a very climactic moment in any country's liberation, when the lights come back on and you get a good look at what you looted."
 —Bill Maher

"Today Iraq's Oil Minister surrendered to U.S. forces. This came as great news to our oil minister, Dick Cheney, who was thrilled."
 —Jay Leno

"Sen. Rick Santorum is causing a lot of controversy this week with remarks he made about gays. He said, 'I have no problem with homosexuals, I have a problem with homosexual acts.' Well maybe he's doing it wrong." 
—Jay Leno

"Gay rights groups are calling for the resignation of Senator Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania for comparing homosexuality to bigamy, polygamy, incest and adultery. Apparently, he's tried them all and found them similar."
 —Jay Leno

President Bush dies and goes to the gates of Heaven. Saint Peter asks who's there. "George W. Bush," he replies. Saint Peter asks for proof. "I'm the president of the United States," Bush protests. Saint Peter says that Mozart, Picasso and Einstein had to prove who they were. "Who were they?" asks Bush, bewildered. "Come right in, George," replies Saint Peter.

A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working.  "Madam," said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is completely automatic.  All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!"
She drove out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said, "Nelson." The radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?" She was astounded.  If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got.  If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.
She was stopped at a traffic light enjoying "On The Road Again" when the light turned green and she pulled out.  Suddenly an enormous sports utility vehicle coming from the street she was crossing sped toward her, obviously not paying attention to the light.  She swerved and narrowly missed a collision.

"Idiot!" she yelled, and, from the radio: "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States."

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared on the television.  After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."  A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.  A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," said the man.  This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Bush country!" "Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"

In 2000, the two major party presidential candidates agreed that Americans were seeing too much inappropriate material in popular entertainment.  However, they disagreed on the details. The Republican candidate, George W. Bush, stated that there is too much bloody violence in the movies and on television.  Vice President Al Gore, his Democratic opponent, stated that the media present Americans with too much sex and frontal nudity.
In other words, Bush said there was too much gore, and Gore said there was too much bush.

"Here is some good news.  For the third day in a row, the Dow had triple digit gains.  Yeah, analysts now are saying that the only thing that could hurt the market is if President Bush comes home early from his vacation." —Jay Leno

"How many of you get a month vacation? Well, President Bush will be getting his month-long vacation.  The White House is calling it a 'working vacation.'  And I am thinking, well that pretty much describes the entire presidency, doesn't it? ... Bush says he is going to be very active; he plans to exercise every day.  And he says he exercise every day because it clears his head. Hey, mission accomplished."
—David Letterman

"Bush is going to Texas to begin his month-long vacation. Even though he is playing golf and fishing and riding horses the White House says 'this is not a vacation'. Do you get the idea that Bush's definition of 'vacation' comes from the same dictionary as Clinton's definition of 'sex'?"
—Jay Leno

"There's now speculation in Washington that President Bush is planning to increase the economic sanctions on Iraq.  And let me tell you if they are half as tough as the economic sanctions Bush has imposed on this country, they are screwed."
—Jay Leno

"Thanks for coming out on such a hot day.  I was sweating like Saddam Hussein watching Bush's poll numbers drop."
—Jay Leno

"It is interesting what is happening with President Bush's popularity.   When it comes to the war against terrorism, he is doing great.  People are behind him 100%.  When it comes to the economy and business, his numbers are dropping quickly.  So I think the answer here is pretty obvious. Bush needs to bomb Enron." 
—Jay Leno

"Counter-terrorism experts say that Osama bin Laden may be hiding secret messages on pornographic websites.  You know what that means, Clinton could find this guy before Bush."
—Jay Leno

"Yesterday, the State Department released a list of all the gifts President Bush has received since becoming president.  Gift number one, the election."
—Jay Leno

"The Republicans announced this week they may go to Florida for the 2004 presidential convention. Proving, once again, they always return to the scene of the crime." 
—Jay Leno

"The economy is in big trouble. Yesterday in a big speech, President Bush said the economy was still getting over the hangover from the 90's. And then, the president admitted he was still getting over his hangover from the 80's." 
—Conan O'Brien 

"President Bush was in New York City this afternoon. He was giving a speech imploring people to crack down on accounting fraud, lashing out and attacking accounting fraud. And I am thinking to myself, 'Hey wait a minute, isn't that how he got elected?'"
 —David Letterman

"It's been reported that the FBI is visiting libraries nationwide and checking the reading records of people it finds suspicious. When asked about it, President Bush said 'I've always been suspicious of people who go to libraries."
 
—Conan O'Brien

"President Bush a couple days ago had one of those colonoscopy things. He's fine. Everything turned out great but during the examination they found 300 Al Gore ballots." 
—David Letterman

"Today the White House admitted that President Bush was warned last summer that Al Qaeda may have been planning hijackings in the US.  Of course now Congress is demanding answers.  They want to know what did George Bush know, and when did Dick Cheney explain it to him."
—Jay Leno

Top 10 reasons to break your decisive campaign promise and build a nuclear waste storage facility, without conclusive study, right next to Las Vegas:

10. Only 4 electoral votes in all of Nevada
9. It'll be cool to see scenes from "The Amazing Colossal Man" re-enacted in color on the news!
8. It's a gambling town, they bet on me and lost. They should understand.
7. Need to appease nu-Q-lar lobby before campaign finance reform kicks in
6. It's not my campaign promise if Cheney made it on my behalf
5. Alien overlords in Area 51 demanded it
4. Study finds there is no oil there
3. Let's just give it a try.  If it doesn't work, we can move it in 10,000 years.
2. Trump promised percentage from Atlantic City casinos
1.Ken Lay said so

"We take elections for granted. Where else do you get to choose the people who choose the people who will be in our shadow government?"
-- Jay Leno

"At his wife's 60th birthday party in Jackson Hole, Wyoming Dick Cheney had a huge steak and battered onion rings for dinner.  Afterwards he met with 100 donors, not campaign donors, heart donors."
 -- Jay Leno

"Plans are being discussed as to who will replace Dick Cheney if he has to resign for health reasons.  It's not easy for President Bush, he can't just name a replacement.  He would first have to be confirmed by the oil, gas and power companies"
-- Jay Leno 

"The other big controversy in Washington now is over Vice President Dick Cheney's wanting the Navy to pay his $186,000 electric bill. Hey, they're getting off easy. They're lucky they don't have to pay his ambulance bill."
-- Jay Leno 

"Dick Cheney, I wouldn't give this guy's troubles to a monkey on a rock. He gets his electric bill.  He doesn't live in the White House.  He lives next door in the junior White House.  He gets his electric bill and it is $186,000.  I am telling you he should have gotten the solar-powered pacemaker.  You would have a big electric bill if you had to use those electric paddles eight times a day.  On top of all that Cheney has laryngitis. He can't talk. Of course, that's from yelling all day: 'Quick, my heart pills, quick!'"
-- David Letterman

"In an interview yesterday former President Jimmy Carter was extremely critical of President Bush.  His exact quote was 'He is the worst president since me.'"
-- Conan O'Brien

"Former President Jimmy Carter lashed out a President Bush today. This doesn't usually happen.  Usually former presidents tend to keep to themselves.  But he attacked Bush.  He said he was disappointed in just about everything Bush had done so far as president.  Today Bush fired back, 'Hey, if this Jimmy Carter guy is so smart, how come I never heard of him?'"
-- Jay Leno

"Last week, President Bush proposed a budget that has large cuts in job training and highway improvements.  Makes sense, who needs roads if you don't have a job to go to."
-- Dennis Miller

"Twenty-one years ago today Saddam Hussein was first elected president of Iraq and he has been re-elected ever since.  Apparently they have the same electoral process we do, you don't need the popular vote to win."
-- Jay Leno

"You remember Katherine Harris, Florida's Secretary of State. Now she is running for Congress. Just what we need, another crooked Florida election.  She already believes that the confused and disoriented voters will put her over the top.  She is very confident, she predicts she will win the election by 742 votes."
-- David Letterman

"Florida Secretary of State Katherine "Cruella DeVil" Harris is now running for Congress.  She is running for Congress but she is now being investigated for budgeting three and half million dollars for overseas travel.  It seems she went to Argentina, Panama, Brazil, Venezuela, Barbados, and Mexico all on tax payers' money.  She said it was part of a program to see how third world countries fix their elections."
-- Jay Leno

"Former Attorney General Janet Reno is talking about running for governor in Florida.  Janet Reno is so unpopular in the state of Florida they will not even need to use the crooked voting machines."
-- David Letterman 

"It was reported this week that during a conversation with friends, Bill Clinton complemented President Bush, calling him 'far shrewder than many think' and a 'formidable politician.' Clinton then added, 'But remember, I'm a liar.'"
-- Tina Fey, on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"President Bush is back from Europe.  He said that when he looked into the eyes of Vladimir Putin, he could see his soul.  Wasn't this an old President Clinton pick-up line?"
 -- David Letterman 

"President Bush said today he is still working on his plan to give religious groups federal dollars.  He says there no reason government and religion can't coexist.  After all, it worked so well in Iran." 
-- Jay Leno

"President Bush admitted today that he is a friend of the electrical industry. He said, 'I owe them a lot.  If it wasn't for the electrical college, I wouldn't be president.'" 
-- Jay Leno 

"This George W. Bush, in the latest poll his approval rating has dropped seven points. Finally, a glimmer of hope for the Al Gore campaign."
-- David Letterman 

"Bush travels to Poland on Friday, where Polish people are fond of making George W. Bush jokes."
-- Craig Kilborn

"President George W. Bush is traveling through Europe and the mission while he's in Europe — the objective — is to assure Europeans that he is competent.  And I'm thinking, 'Wait a minute. What about assuring us first?'"
-- David Letterman

"While he was in Spain, Bush got a call from Bill Clinton.  Clinton said, 'Hey, can you pick me up some Spanish fly while you're down there?'"
-- Jay Leno 

"Hundreds of protestors participated in protests outside the NATO meeting yesterday.  The majority of the people were against Bush.  It doesn't bother him though.  The last time the majority of the people were against Bush he was elected president."
-- Jay Leno

"Actually Bush says being in Europe isn't much of an adjustment for him. In a lot of these countries they drink a lot and drive on the other side of the road, just like he used to do."
-- Jay Leno

"President Bush left for Canada today to attend a trade summit.  Reportedly, the trade summit got off to an awkward start when the president pulled out his baseball cards."
-- Conan O'Brien 

"President Bush is up there (in Canada) with 34 other world leaders, but he is going home early because he was voted the weakest link. Goodbye."
-- Jay Leno

"President Bush is back from that big trade summit up in Canada.  He said the water tastes funny up there without the arsenic in it."
-- Jay Leno

"Jenna 'Anheuser' Bush is trying to get her lawyers to strike a plea bargain agreement over her latest drinking charge.  If they can't find an agreement, they said she may lose her driver's license.  Which will be no problem.  She's got plenty of those." 
-- Jay Leno

"Senator Jim Jeffords made huge news when he switched political parties.  Everyone was talking about it.  Then it was pointed out that Strom Thurmond once switched parties.  Apparently, years ago, Strom switched from the hunters to the gatherers."
 -- Conan O'Brien

"Today, Bush received an honorary degree from Yale, his alma mater.  Bush said that he is living proof that even 'C' students can grow up to be president of the United States.  First Clinton lowered our moral standards, now Bush is lowering our academic standards." 
-- Jay Leno 

"George W. Bush says that since he has been in the White House, he prays every day.  I'm thinking, 'Hell, same goes for us.'"
-- David Letterman

"Robert Downey Jr. — he can't keep this lifestyle going much longer.  The man is 35 years old.  That means he only has five more years to sober up and get his life together if he ever wants to run for President of the United States." 
-- Jay Leno

"Bozo the Clown is retiring after 40 years. Well with Bush in office, he can't really compete."
-- Jay Leno

"Bush has a new campaign slogan. It's 'Reformer with Results' Which I think is a big improvement on the old one: 'Dumb Guy with Connections.'"
 —David Letterman

"He is the new president, although old habits die hard. It's funny with Bush. Now whenever the Secret Service knocks on the door, he keeps flushing stuff down the toilet."
 —Jay Leno

 

 

Kinnebunkport Hillbilly

(Sung to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies theme song)

 

Come and listen to my story 'bout a boy name Bush.
His IQ was zero and his head was up his tush.
He drank like a fish while he drove all about.
But that didn't matter 'cuz his daddy bailed him out.
DUI, that is. Criminal record. Cover-up.
Well, the first thing you know little Georgie goes to Yale.
He can't spell his name but they never let him fail.
He spends all his time hangin' out with student folk.
And that's when he learns how to snort a line of coke.
Blow, that is. White gold. Nose candy.
The next thing you know there's a war in Vietnam.
Kin folks say, "George, stay at home with Mom."
Let the common people get maimed and scarred.
We'll buy you a spot in the Texas Air Guard.
Cushy, that is. Country clubs. Nose candy.

Twenty years later George gets a little bored.
He trades in the booze, says that Jesus is his Lord.
He said, "Now the White House is the place I wanna be."
So he called his daddy's friends and they called the GOP.
Gun owners, that is. Falwell. Jesse Helms.
Come November 7, the election ran late.
Kin folks said "Jeb, give the boy your state!"
"Don't let those colored folks get into the polls."
So they put up barricades so they couldn't punch their holes.
Chads, that is. Duval County. Miami-Dade.
Before the votes were counted five Supremes stepped in.
Told all the voters "Hey, we want George to win."
"Stop counting votes!" was their solemn invocation.
And that's how George finally got his coronation.
Rigged, that is. Illegitimate. No moral authority.
Y'all come vote now. Ya hear?

 

 

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