Longer Jokes

Wife: "Okay, today's Friday. Where's your pay envelope?"
Man: "I already spent all my pay. I bought something for the house."
Wife: "What? What could you buy for the house that cost $480?"
Man: "Eight rounds of drinks."

A guy sees his buddy in a bar and says, "You're not going to believe this, but I've got a wild nymphomaniac in my car out in the parking lot. She's wearing me out! Can you go out to the car and keep her busy? The dome light is off, so she won't know you're not me!" His friend agrees and goes out to his car.
They climb into the back seat and start going at it. A few minutes later, a cop sees them and starts banging on the window, shining his flashlight inside.
"What the hell do you two think you're doing?" The guy says, "Oh, there's nothing wrong, she's my wife." The cop says, "Oh, sorry, I didn't know."
The guy says "Neither did I until you shined that light in here."

A man phones in to work:
"I'm sick today.  I've been in bed all morning. I can't come to work."
"OK. How sick are you?"
"I just raped my four-year-old son!"

A man walks into the local pharmacy and tells the pharmacist, "I would like to purchase some birth control pills for my 12 year old daughter."
The pharmacist looks at the man oddly and asks, "Are you telling me that your 12 year old daughter is sexually active?"
The man replies, "No, she just lays there like her mother."

Ten Things Men Should Not Say in Victoria's Secret:

10. Does this come in children's sizes?
9. No thanks, just sniffing
8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind
7. Mom will love this
6. Oh the size won't matter, she's inflatable
5. No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here
4. Will you model this for me??
3. The Miracle What?? This is better than world peace!
2. 45 bucks?!? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!
1. Oh Honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that

Dennis Rodman finds a bottle on the beach. He picks it up and suddenly a female genie appears. "Master, I may grant you one wish?" says the genie.
"Hey, bitch...don't you know who I am?  I don't need no woman giving me
nuttin," yells Rodman.  The genie pleads, "But master I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to the bottle forever."
Dennis thinks for a
moment, grumbles about the inconvenience and says, "Okay, okay...I wanna wake up tomorrow morning with three women in my bed."
Giving the genie an
evil glare he says, "Just do it, and leave me alone." The genie, annoyed and hurt, says, "So be it!" and disappears.
The next morning,
Dennis wakes up with Tanya Harding, Lorena Bobbitt, and Hillary Clinton in his bed.  His leg is broken, his penis is missing,  and he has no health insurance.

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who
was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician,
"But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
And with that the coroner used his tools to
remove the dead man's schlong.  The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said as he opened his briefcase.
"Oh my god!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

New Elements

Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)

Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180+/-50)

Physical Properties

Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled. Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample.
Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical Properties

Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone.
Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.
Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage

Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known. None known. Possibly good methane source. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution

Highly explosive in inexperienced hands In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell

Why It's Great to Be a Guy

Your ass is never a factor in a job interview
Your orgasms are real.  Always.
Your last name stays put
The garage is all yours
Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow
Wedding plans take care of themselves
You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night
Chocolate is just another snack
You can be president
You can wear a white shirt to a water park
Foreplay is optional
You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid
Car mechanics tell you the truth
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut
The world is your urinal
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky
Same work... more pay
Wrinkles add character
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100
If you retain water, it's in a canteen
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them
Princess Di's death was just another obituary
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet
Porn movies are designed with you in mind
Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
One mood, all the time

Beer Troubleshooting

Symptom Fault Action
Feet cold and wet Glass being held at incorrect angle Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling
Feet warm and wet Improper bladder control  Stand next to dog, complain about house training
Beer unusually pale and tasteless Glass empty Get someone to buy you another beer
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights You have fallen over backward Have yourself tied to bar
Mouth contains cigarette butts You have fallen forward See above
Beer tasteless, shirt is wet Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face Retire to restroom, practice in mirror
Floor blurred You are looking through bottom of empty glass Get someone to buy you another beer
Floor moving You are being carried out Find out if you are being taken to another bar
Room seems unusually dark Bar has closed Confirm home address with bartender
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations Cover mouth
Everyone looks up to you and smiles You are dancing on the table Fall on somebody cushy-looking
Beer is crystal-clear It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up Punch him/her
Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear You have been in a fight Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in You've wandered into the wrong party See if they have free beer
Your singing sounds distorted The beer is too weak Have more beer until your voice improves
Don't remember the words to the song Beer is just right Play air guitar

Bruce is driving over Harbor Bridge one day listening to some music in his car and just having a really great day. Suddenly he notices his girlfriend Sheila standing on the side of the bridge.
Bruce slams on the brakes, bolts out of the car and shouts,
"Sheila! What the hell are you doing, babe?"
Sheila turns around with tears welling up in her eyes.
"Bruce, honey! You got me pregnant. I don't want to be a burden, so I'm just gonna kill myself!"
Bruce gets a lump in his throat and climbs back into his car.
"Sheila, not only are you a great fuck, but you're a good sport about it too!"

Top 25 Things You'll Never Hear a Wife or Girlfriend Say:

1. I'll swallow it all. I love the taste!
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink? Have some more!
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my privates.
4. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
5. That was a great fart! Do another one.
6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
7. You're so sexy when you're hung over.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Let's go down to the mall so you can check out other women.
12. I'll be out painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sundays. I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
14. Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is out sunbathing again. Come see!
15. I know its a lot tighter back there, but would you please try again?
16. No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed
17. Your mother is better than mine
18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs
19. I understand fully. Our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake. You go hunting with the guys; it's a wonderful stress reliever.
20. Oh come on, what do you say we get a good porno, a rack of beer, a few joints, and have my friend over for a threesome?
21. Honeyyyy...not the mall again! C'mon, let's go to that new strip joint!
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us. Why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8?
23. Now stop getting up for the baby's night feedings! You need your sleep, ya big silly.
24. Honey, I swear if I don't get to blow you soon, I am just gonna bust!
25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya.

A tribe of Indians captures a cowboy and brings him back to their camp. The chief says to the cowboy, "You are going to die. But we feel sorry for you, so we will give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of the third day, you die. What is your first wish?"
The cowboy says,
"I want to see my horse."
The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring,
"Typical white man - going to die and can only think of one thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What is your wish today?"
The cowboy says,
"I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.
The last day comes, and the chief says,
"This is your last wish, white man. What you want?"
The cowboy says,
"I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE! P-O-S-S-E! "

Two guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose.
"Since when do you wear pantyhose?"
"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"

If It Really Were a Man's World...

All women would understand and appreciate any sport
Hallmark would make
"Sorry, what was your name again?" cards
Each year, your raise would be pegged to the record of an NFL team of your choice
The guy with the best sense of humor in the office would be appointed the CEO
At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out a window and slide down directly into your car like Fred Flintstone
Lifeguards would remove citizens from beaches for violating the
"public ugliness" ordinance
Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1 !"
If you saw your shadow on Groundhog Day, you'd get the day off to go drinking
Oprah Winfrey would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history
It would be perfectly legal to steal any car, as long as you returned it the following morning with a full tank of gas
Faucets would run
"Hot" "Cold" and "100 proof"
Nodding without looking away from the TV would be deemed a perfectly acceptable response to "I love you"
When your significant other really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd arrange to appear in a little box in the corner of the TV screen during a time-out
All refrigerators would be computer equipped to monitor beer supply; a low level would automatically generate a re-order delivery
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-alec answer you responded with could actually reduce your fine. For example:
Cop:
"You know how fast you were going ?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place"
Cop: "Nice one -- that's $10 off"
Combination birth control and Viagra would be in both "lite" and "regular" beer
All resumes submitted by females would require a centerfold-type photo
Nagging would be punishable by an enforced week of silence
Sexual harassment would be considered a compliment by all women
Women who appear in public without make-up would automatically be convicted of a felony
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to her butt and a
"Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time kid" would pretty much do it
All heretofore "kinky sex" would be declared lawful and normal
"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for any tardiness
Mondays would become part of the weekend
Marriage licenses would expire annually
It'd be considered harmless guy fun to gather 30 or more friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby community
Garbage would take itself out
Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps"
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years
St. Patrick's Day would remain exactly the same. However, it would be celebrated every month
"Cops" would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops
New show: Ally McNaked
The victors in any athletic competition would get all of the loser's possessions
The only shows on opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from different camera angles
Every man would get two "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per month
Hot Pants, tube tops, thongs and mini-skirts would never go out of style
All telephones would automatically disconnect after 30 seconds of conversation

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Cheese sandwich, a dollar-fifty...chicken sandwich, two-fifty...hand job, ten bucks."
He says to the cute blonde barmaid, "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"
She says, "Yes, I am."
He says,
"Then go wash your hands and make me a cheese sandwich."

A man walks into a Doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana up his ass.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks.
"You're not eating properly," replies the Doctor.

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger frantically jumps up, removes all her clothing and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone on this plane who is man enough?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this."

A woman runs out of her house one morning and catches a strange little man at the bottom of her garden. "You're a leprechaun," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!"
"OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?" "I want a huge mansion to live in." "OK, you've got it." "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is for a million dollars" "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes."
Next morning the little man wakes the woman up. "Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies.
"You're 27 and you still believe in leprechauns?"

Superman is flying over the city when he passes Wonder Woman lying naked on the ground, legs spread, looking as hot as ever. Superman, being somewhat undersexed, thinks, "Hmm, I'll bet I could fly down there super-fast and be in and out in half a second. She'd never even know I was there."
So he flies down, does the job in half a second and flies away thinking,
"Oh yeah -- that was good." Meanwhile down on the ground, Wonder Woman says, "What's wrong?" The Invisible Man says, "I don't know, but my ass sure hurts!"

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two hookers and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I Simply couldn't get an erection." The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he asked. "I couldn't even get on the bed!"

A woman meets Dennis Rodman in a bar. After a few drinks they go back to his hotel room. Dennis begins to undress, removing his shirt to reveal a "Reebok" tattoo. He explains, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for the advertisement." Next he takes off his pants to reveal the word "Puma" tattooed on his leg, and he gives the same explanation. Finally, the underwear comes off and the girl sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis. She jumps back, screaming, "You didn't tell me you had AIDS!" Dennis says, "Relax, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS."

Things You Will Never Hear a Southerner Say

We don't keep firearms in this house
Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
You can't feed that to the dog
I thought Graceland was tacky
Kids in the back of a pick-up is not safe
Wresling's fake
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy
Honey, these bonsai trees need watering
Who's Dale Earnhardt?
Give me the small bag of pork rinds
Deer heads detract from the decor
Spitting is such a nasty habit
I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today
Trim the fat off that steak
Cappuccino tastes better than espresso
The tires on that truck are too big
I've got it all on a floppy disk
Unsweetened tea tastes better
Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams
Checkmate
Here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen
I don't have a favorite college team

Top Ten Mike Tyson Excuses

10. Got a little carried away after seeing "Face/Off"
9. Really wanted to win first prize on "America's Funniest Home Videos"
8. Like this doesn't happen every year at the Masters
7. Whenever Moe bites Curly's ear, it's hilarious!
6. Has to do this kind of thing to compensate for the fact that he talks like Melanie Griffith
5. I guess he's never heard of a little thing called "strategy"
4. Ears is tasty
3. "It was self-defense -- he wouldn't stop punching me"
2. "Disqualified" sounds better than "got his ass kicked all over the ring"
1. Ran out of gum

With Mills Lane stopping the fight after Tyson's second bite, the following question remains unanswered: Just how many bites does it take to get to the tootsie-roll center of Evander Holyfield?

 

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