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Steven Wright-isms

Jokes that are by Steven Wright...
 or sound like they are

 

She said, "You're wearing two different colored socks." I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."

I tried to draw my shadow once, but I couldn't.  My arm kept moving. 

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is.  Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that." 

When I'm in Champagne, I listen to the great music on Rock 107, and when I'm out of town... they mail it to me. 

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension. 

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately.  Extremely abstract.  No brush, no paint, no canvas.  I just think about it. 

Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
Today I... no, that wasn't me.
Sometimes I... no I don't. 

Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture. 

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of a Ouija board.  You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it. 

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were! 

Last week I bought a new phone.  I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall... pressed redial.  The phone had a nervous breakdown. 

Winnie and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity.  If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head.  If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick. 

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier, they wouldn't have to go so fast. 

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. 

Last year we drove across the country.  We switched on the driving... every half mile.  We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip.  I don't remember what it was. 

Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

My girlfriend's so intense.  She woke me up the other night and asked, "If you could tell exactly when and how you were going to die, would you want to know?" "Heck no," I said, "Why?" "Doesn't matter, just go back to sleep." 

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish.  My dreams showed up on TVs all over the world. 

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. 

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? 

I bought a dog the other day.  I named him Stay.  It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay!  Come here, Stay!"  He went insane.  Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd. Very disciplined. 

They say we're 98% water.  We're that close to drowning.  [Picks up a glass of water from the stool.]  I like to live on the edge.

When I was a baby, I kept a diary.  Recently, I was rereading it.  It said, "Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot." 

When I was a little kid we had a sand box.  It was a quicksand box.  I was an only child... eventually. 

When I was little my grandfather asked me how old I was.  I said, "Five." He said, "When I was your age, I was six." 

When I was a kid, I remember seeing Smokey the Bear on TV saying, "Only you can prevent forest fires." So I'd sneak out of the house in the middle of the night with a bucket of water -- "Gotta go to work." 

When I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to strangers.  We haven't spoken since. 

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins.  Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.  When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey. 

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building.  I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet.  Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's done." 

Last time I went skiing, I had to get up at 5:00 in the morning.  I knew I couldn't do that, so I slept with my skis on.  My ride came at 5:30 in the morning, couldn't wake me up so he carried me out of the house, put my skis on the roof rack of the car, and drove to the mountain.  Seventeen miles later, I woke up out of this incredibly bizarre dream that I was skydiving horizontally.  I'm sure this has happened to you. 

I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils.

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out of sponges.  I remember one time when I wore it.  When I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came back. 

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit. 

I can't wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness stand. "Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you, God?"  "Yes, you're ugly.  See that women in the jury?  I'd really like to sleep with her.  Should I keep going or are you going to ask me questions?" 

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital.  They lay there and looked at each other.  Their families came and took them away.  Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other.  One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"

I heard that in relativity theory space and time are the same thing.  Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

A metaphor is like a simile.

Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food.  You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't.  It just eats another hummingbird.

Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.

I took a physics course that was so hard I couldn't find the classroom.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

All those who believe in telekinesis raise my hand.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

Hard work pays off in the future.  Laziness pays off now.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried  before.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

Half the people you know are below average.

I installed a skylight in my apartment.  The people who live above me are furious!

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

The Stones, I love the Stones.  I watch them whenever I can.  Fred, Barney...

I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards.  I got a full house and four people died.

This is my impression of a bowling ball.  [Drags the mike along the floor, then lifts it.]  Gutter...

Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

What's another word for thesaurus?

I was reading the dictionary.  I thought it was a poem about everything.

Why is the alphabet in that order?  Is it because of that song?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.

I wrote a few children's books.  Not on purpose.

I have two very rare photographs.  One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car.  The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I just got out of the hospital.  I was in a speed reading accident.  I hit a bookmark and flew across the room.

I went to a general store.  They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I love to freak out salespeople.  They ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?"  "It's not for sale."

I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish.  I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck.  The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me.  I said, "Well, what do you need?"

All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night.  I was torturing them by watering them with ice cubes

I have the oldest typewriter in the world.  It types in pencil.

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

Despite decades of market research, markets proliferate and there's no cure in sight.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.   I thought, "If this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety!"

Factorials were someone's attempt to make math look exciting.

I can levitate birds.  No one cares.

What do batteries run on?

When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money.  They said, "What for?"  I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

My dental hygienist is cute.  Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby.  Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I got food poisoning today.  I don't know when I'll use it.

Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a barbecue in a long time.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered french toast during the Renaissance.

It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there.  Hunters would be all confused.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

Sponges grow in the ocean.  That just kills me.  I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier.  I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.  Then I filled my humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas.  I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

He asked me if I knew what time it was.  I said, "Yes, but not right now."

My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it.  So I'm going to move to New York.

Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach.

A friend of mine is into voodoo acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and, "Ooooohhhhhh, that's much better!"

Today I dialed a wrong number.  The other person said, "Hello?" And I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?" They said, "Uh, I don't think so.  He's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing, so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this [ [ [ ] ] ] [ [ ] ] [ [ [ ] [.

My school colors were clear.  We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."

I learned how to play the harmonica while driving my car.  I stick the harmonica out the window and drive a hundred miles an hour.

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out.  Now my car goes 500 miles per hour.  The harmonica sounds amazing.

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I like to say, "Sooo, how far did you THINK you were going anyway?", or "Put on your seat belt. I want to try something.  I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."

I got picked up by one of those huge trailer trucks carrying 20 brand new cars.  I climbed up the side of the cab and opened the door.  The guy said, "I don't have much room up here, why don't you get into one of the cars out back." So I did.  And he was really into picking people up because he picked up 19 more.  We all had our own cars.  Then he went 90 miles per hour and we all got speeding tickets.

We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going through a green light.  We pleaded "maybe". I asked the judge if he knew what time it was.  He did, and I said, "No further questions."

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the entire area was missing.

Then she said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself?  That's how I feel all the time."

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step?  I'm like that all the time.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment?  I'm like that all the time.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.  The mime next door went nuts.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep well?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

I dreamed that I was falling and, just before I hit the ground, I fell asleep.

Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex." Never found her, but when I got home my place was robbed.

I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge.  Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I spilled spot remover on my dog.  He's gone now.

You can't have everything.  Where would you put it?

 

 

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